Dem Injuns Comin!

I thought I'd relay this funny story from my high school days.

As a product of a lawyer (read: smart-ass) family, I was taught always that word choice, terms, categories, etc. were important to debate to the most asinine of degrees. Thus, when I sat down to take the P-SATs and had to fill out the bubble for my ethnicity, I paused for a moment. I hate these ethnicity bubbles and usually leave them blank, which of course, indicates that I am the least-wanted ethnicity, white. Horsefarts. My eyes glanced over the "Native American" bubble. Along with most old American families, I have a trace amount of Leni Lenape blood running through me. That's not what I was thinking of though, as my pencil moved over the bubble. My father has always pointed out the problems with this term - after all, I am native to America too, dagnabbit.

The bubble was darkened.

I finished the test and did okay. Not great, not too terribly bad, but definitely not well enough to get what came next.... I started getting scholarship offers from Harvard. I shit you not. If Harvard did any research whatsoever into their actions, they would realize that I am from Philadelphia, not exactly a Native American haven. White folk forced them out a long time ago. They would also realize that I have an Italian last name. Chances that I would have a significant portion of Native American blood - slim.

The icing on the cake was when I received a customized letter from the Native American group at Harvard urging me to come. Imagine if I showed up to some powwow. "Hi guys!" I'd wave enthusiastically. "Look at my moccasins!" - purchased from some JCrew outlet. I'd probably get kicked out. Then Harvard's president would call me into his office.

Harvard President: You are clearly not Native American.

Me: Yes I am! I was born here! Look at my moccasins!

Harvard President: Get out of here.

Me: Stop oppressing me!

Harvard President: (slams door in face)

Me: (Attach dead smelly fish to arrows and shoot them through his office window. Run away)


I question Harvard's other scholarship offers.