Starring: Spot the Cheetah, LaFawndah the Cheetah, and Bob
Cheetah spots are interesting things. For one, there are many of them. Cheetahs are endangered all around the world (in Pennsylvania and the Artic, they are extinct!) but there are still a lot of them. Probably like, more than 500. Yeah, I’m gonna go with 500. There may be more, there may be less, but that’s not really my business. So there’s 500 cheetahs, and a lot of spots. One cheetah can have up to 5 billion spots! (*this cheetah was later found to be a black common household cat) On average, cheetahs have a lot of spots. So 500 cheetahs, all having a lot of spots, would mean there are a whole lot of spots on this world. Unlike other quantitative analysis done on cheetah spots by other scientists, this one is awesome. I am a real scientist, I have my badge and ID and everything. Also unlike other studies done on cheetah spots, mine takes into account that not all cheetahs have a lot of spots. Some might have just a few, or some, or a whole heck of a lot. Some cheetahs don’t even have spots! (*these cheetahs are called lions) I know I have seen some pretty incredible cheetahs. One time I saw this cheetah that had hooves and a really long neck and horns! It fed on leaves of tall trees. It had a lot of spots, so it doesn’t mess up my study at all. Costa Rica has cheetahs too. They are small and some call them jaguars, but I call them cheetahs. There’s also a type of albino (except it’s brown) cheetah called a monkey. To find the spots on the albino cheetah, one must look very carefully into the sun for three minutes, and then stare at the cheetah and count the spots. If you don’t see any spots, you are either; 1) not looking hard enough, 2) being fooled by the cheetah or 3) blind. Cheetahs are really fast; not as fast as my Jaguar (my car, not the cheetah) but still pretty fast. They’re faster than a turtle, and slower than a jet plane. So sometimes its hard to count the spots on the ones that are running, so I shoot them. This is by far the easiest way to stop them from moving. Then I pay some kid from the village 5 cents to count the spots. The kid is really young, he can’t really talk yet. I don’t know if he can count. I invented a fool-proof way of getting a kid to count spots though. I have him count the spots on the back left foot, and then I have him multiply that by the surface area of the cheetah; then I have him do a t-test on the variances and find the standard deviation. For the last 100 cheetahs I have studied in this way, the amount of spots has always been “goo” or “waa” which is Swahili for 431 and 260 respectively. I have unlocked the secret to cheetahs, but I am not going to tell you what it is because I did it and you didn’t, and it wouldn’t be fair for you to copy my work.
In conclusion, I conclude in a conclusively concluded way that cheetahs are rarely caught by running men.
